There are times in life, when pain and hardship are so acute that the act of breathing feels monumental. Sometimes the news, the doctor's appointment, the long days waiting for the phone call, take all the strength we have to keep ourselves upright. Sometimes staying upright is impossible, and the only place to be is under the covers, in the dark.
Born within all of us are survival mechanisms and processes to help us psychologically endure these kinds of experiences. Going blank, feeling numb or sleepy, jumping into busyness and action--these are all ways we cope. Human beings are designed to survive. Even when our egos tell us we cannot withstand one more ounce of pain.
If you or someone you love are enduring the unendurable, this offering is for you. It's really for all of us, because at some point in life, we all come face to face with the untenable. Giving advice, or making meaning of someone else's loss is not always the best salve for this kind of suffering. So here are some things to communicate--with words or actions--to yourself, or to the ones you know who are enduring...
"There is no right way to do any of this."
"You are surviving, and that takes tremendous physical and emotional work. You are doing what you can; you are doing enough."
"I offer you my gentleness, so you might carry this pain softly and not alone."
"How about a little tea, or some food? How about some fresh air?"
"There will be time later, to come back and wrap your mind around this inconceivable thing. Now is the time to pass the moments, with as little harm to yourself and others as possible."
"Denial, bargaining, and rage are all valid. Lets make a place for those things to exist--in a journal, on a canvas, out in a field, in a hot shower, or counseling room."
"The waves of pain may come and go. You might even forget the anguish for moments or hours, or overnight. That's ok."
"Your body and mind are doing their best."
"Be here, however you need to be here."
"I am with you."
Pain is an experience that is both intimate and universal. When we experience it's blinding heat, we are immediately connected to everyone else in the world who is also scorched by it. This is why empathy is so powerful--when we are willing to come near to someone else's pain, we come closer to our own vulnerable participation in life.
As poet David Whyte says, "Pain is the first proper step to real compassion; it can be a foundation for understanding all those who struggle with their existence". Pain is a demanding invitation into our humanness. It takes us to the edges of our tolerance and endurance. It is the shadow side of relationship, the underbelly of mortality, the bedfellow of love.
If you are experiencing a level or duration of pain that feels beyond you, or your ways of coping result in more pain, this is an opportune time to seek out a therapist or counselor. You are worthy of support.
I offer you my gentleness, so you might carry this pain softly, and not alone.
To Your Health,
Megan